Didn't want to get out of bed today....

Had a rough day today.  On both Saturday and Sunday nights I slept crazy poorly, like four hours a night each night.  By the time I got home from work on Monday night I was at that exhausted point where I was kind of shaky and couldn't even follow the blog post I was trying to read.  Thus, I decided just to go to bed.  But...I was drowsing and in and out of sleep so I decided to take sleep aids around 8:30. That did the trick and I was out and I needed the sleep!

I then woke up around three-ish and decided to take more sleep aids in order to go back to sleep again since I didn't have to wake up until 6:45. Well...I did get up with my alarm, but fell back asleep. My mom checked in on me to make sure I was awake around 7:45-when I should be leaving (yes, I am now 28 and I just said my mom checked on me.) So I needed to head out the door, but I also needed to shower, and we had a work event in the evening so I had to look nice and dress appropriately.  Even taking a shower seemed like too much and I decided I didn't want to get out of bed and would go into work late.

I watched a show on Netflix and tried to chill and then I fell asleep.  I woke up around 2:30 and at that point decided that I wasn't going to go into work at all as I did not want to get out of bed at all still....

I had called into work and also call the manager on her cell and told her I would be late as my car was acting up and I was having my dad fix it, but that I would be in soon.  I sent my manager a text around 3:30, letting her know my dad couldn't fix my car and that I couldn't make it in today.  Even if she called me back and told me I would be fired if I didn't get my butt into work and I still would not have gotten out of bed.

So my work attendance has been an issue.  I have missed a lot of days.  I was out of town for work last week and got back into town on Tuesday.  Then I called in sick on both Wednesday and Thursday, even though I was not "sick" and only worked in the office on Friday.  I am also really behind in my work..... Work does know that I am having some depression issues.  Even if I do get fired, I couldn't really beat myself up about it because I am honestly doing the best I can right now; though I really do not want to get fired.

 I did see my PA-Physician Assistant about my issues and she put me on Wellbutrin and zoloft.  I think the Wellbutrin helps a bit with getting me going, helping me function a bit better during the day, not sure about how the zoloft is affecting me.  I told her about how poor my sleep has been and how much that affects me, but she said as a PA it would be inappropriate for her to prescribe me any sort of sleep aid...um okay I'll just continue to take six sleep aids a night, wake up earlier than I need to, then fall asleep right before I have to wake up, and then sleep through my alarm, get up and run out of the house looking like crap and showing up late to work.

At our follow up appointment she asked how things were going and I told her that I had called in sick the previous Friday and proceeded to stay in bed from Thursday night through Sunday night.  She said that that behavior was not normal.  Um really?  As I can barely function, I know that things with me are not "normal" right now.  She then tells me that she can't help me, that she thinks I have "manic" depression and referred me to a psychiatrist.

I would have gone to a psychiatrist in the first place, but I had to go on an independent insurance plan for my new job and I was having trouble getting accepted, due to my pre-existing condition of "depression."  It was easier to get in to see a PA without insurance and it was a cheaper appointment.  Now I am on insurance, that being said, appointments and medications associated with my mental health appointments are "not covered" for twelve months. Thus I am paying for insurance every month and it does not cover the only medical condition I need to be cared for and I will have to pay for everything out of pocket.  I love our health care system....

Today I finally called the doctor my PA referred me to.  Luckily the wait isn't bad.  The earliest available is on July 9th.  Apparently this doctor may put me on a "mood stabilizer" for my "manic depression." This is confusing to me because, google manic depression and bipolar disorder pops up, and people, there are no "manic" or "up" phases going on here.  Regardless, I look forward to the appointment because I need help.  I will also be working on things myself when I can.  Try to change my behaviors and thoughts.

If you read this whole post you are my hero! Keep following, today was a bad day, but they aren't all this bad.  There are okay days too.  And I would appreciate the support. I am a really fun and happy girl stuck in a broken body right now, that's how it feels at least.  I look forward to the return of "myself" and so look forward to being able to function.  Its eleven now and I am off to bed. Wish me luck for tomorrow, hopefully it will be a better day...